28. Questing

Photograph by marj k

The agreement is signed and my divorce will be final in a matter of days. I'm not really sure how to explain what I'm feeling right now. On the one hand, this is what I've waited for for months--slowly rebuilding my life piece by piece after it came crashing down all around me. And this step seemed like the last missing piece of that puzzle. And yet, when I signed on the dotted line, I felt extreme sadness. Not because I doubt my decision but because the finality of it all is hitting me. It will be done. It will be over. And it will be soon. On the other hand, I can say those same words, "It will be done. It will be over. And it will be soon" and I recognize the peace in that. The ending that I've been waiting for is finally here and new opportunities are waiting for me around the corner.  The journey is, in essence, just beginning. And that is really exciting.

I once heard Elizabeth Gilbert give a talk on the nature of the quest--she talked about how, historically, journeys of discovery have been undertaken by men to prove their manhood but that women were generally left out of these quests unless they were renegade or didn't care if they were labeled crazy. Women who attempted to journey out on their own without family or a husband to chaperone garnered a seriously negative stigma. Now women travel freely all over the world but it seems to me that there is still some female guilt associated with the idea of journeying towards self-discovery. Of course, questing doesn't have to involve getting on a plane or riding a camel across the desert. But it does involve dedicating a lot of time to the task of excavating and mapping your own heart and mind. It also requires asking the deeper, harder questions. Why do I keep acting in the same way expecting a different result? What motivates me to do this, or say this, or act this way? Who are the people who make me feel stronger and who are the ones that bring me down? Why am allowing this toxic energy, language, person, thought into my life? Why can't I let this go? Why does this hurt so much? How do I deal with anxiety, stress, pain, loss, failure? And is this the best way to deal with these things? Am I lying to myself? Obviously, answering these questions requires looking into a mirror and being honest about who is reflected back at you. This is the quest. It happens inside. As nice as it may be to buy a ticket to Venice and ride in a gondola down the narrow canals, you still are who you are no matter how far away you run to escape. 

Photograph by Mad Mariner

Gilbert says, "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you." I love this quotation because it embodies the notion that the answers really do lie inside of you. You don't need a fancy degree or a stack of books from the self-help section of Barnes and Noble to figure it out. You don't need a six month sabbatical from work or a cruise around the Caribbean to know the truth. You just need to be honest with yourself. It may not be pretty. You may want to drop down and cry for three days on your kitchen floor. You may feel very, very raw. But sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are outrageous. And they get us nowhere. My best friend Helen recently asked me why it was that I was doing something incredibly dumb. And I responded that I didn't really know. She was silent for a few seconds and then said, in a way that only a very good old friend can, "Come on. Yes, you do know why. Be honest. At least with yourself."

This may very well be one of the scariest times of my life. And so now would be one of the easiest times to sugar coat things and coast through the fall, eating the Halloween candy that is already in the stores and burying my head in one of those September fashion magazines that weighs 20 pounds. But instead, I'm going to continue the quest. I'm going to delve inwards and outwards. As Liz Gilbert outlined, I'm going to go on a "truth-seeking journey" using every experience as a clue and every person I meet as a teacher. My heart is open to new lessons. This is my time. And I'm going to make the most of it. If you too are feeling like taking a journey without leaving your house, consider going on this quest with me. Ask yourself the tough questions that no one can answer for you. Consider being truthful about the answers, even if you have never been before. And then begin the work necessary to heal and grow and thrive. Whether the questions involve marriage, relationships, career, friendships, family, success, physical,  mental or spiritual health, the answers are not about others. Take out blame, take out anger, take out preconceived notions regarding what you want others to do or be or say...and be honest about your part in it all. What have you contributed to these situations and how can you remedy them? Be brave. Be honest. Be open. This could potentially be the greatest journey of your life.