27. Angels and Demons

Photograph by mez love

Have you ever been confronted with a situation where you had to make a choice--turn left or right, say yes or no, acquiesce or fight back--and right at that moment when you needed to make the big decision, you started to hear voices? I know, I know. You're saying, "She's finally gone around the bend." But I don't mean paranormal voices from another realm. I mean those tugging little whispers that come to us when we're faced with a choice. You know what I'm talking about. You've heard them too, haven't you?

We've all seen images in movies or cartoons that personify these voices. The angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The devil egging you on--telling you what you might like to hear. I imagine my little devil as an imposingly rude Tony Soprano type with a New York accent, smoking a cigar and saying, "Go ahead. What's the worst thing that could happen? So he cheated on you...four times...with your best friend...so what? Give him another chance. He's a hottie." Or maybe your demon says things like this, "It's one doughnut! One freakin' doughnut. Never hurt anybody! Eat it. It'll be good. You'll feel better. Eat it! EAT IT!" Or perhaps, he says, "Who do you think you are? You know you'll never be good enough. I can't believe you would even consider doing that. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you seen your resume? Are you learning impaired?" Yeah. This guy is a real self esteem booster, a certified psychological train wreck. But he's there lurking in the shadows, waiting for the slightest sign of self doubt. And then, he pounces, trying to wear you down. It doesn't always take much convincing. We can be easily manipulated depending on our emotional state. 

Photograph by mali mish

And then there's our angel. I imagine mine as a miniaturized version of the Dalai Lama, quietly and contentedly telling me, not what I want to hear, but what I need to hear. He is patient, kind and nurturing. He is wise, loving and respectful. He is the one who tells you the truth. He is your best friend, your ideal mother, your ideal father, your seeing eye...watching out for you when you can't watch out for yourself. It's so tempting to ignore that wise little laughing man though. His way is not always fun...it sometimes means taking the road less traveled, doing the thing that will leave us alone, vulnerable, raw, or open to ridicule. His answers to our Tony Soprano insults would sound something like this: [Cue the Dalai Lama voice] "Does this really make sense? To go back to a man who has abused and belittled you? Who has no regard for your feelings? Better to say goodbye to this deadbeat loser (maybe Dalai wouldn't say that, but this is my version of him and I like it) and move forward with your life. You are worthy of so much more kindness and love than this person is capable of giving. Give yourself a gift and walk away." Or in answer to Tony's doughnut rant, Dalai would say, "This doughnut is a weapon that you use against yourself every time you lift it to your lips. It is poison. Put it down and know that soon your double wide fanny will be svelte and gorgeous." Or maybe he has thoughts on Tony's self-esteem killing chat. "Who do you think you are? I will tell you who you are. As Max Ehrmann said in Desiderata, 'You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.'"

Photograph by Elton Melo

Yes, it can be visually interesting to imagine these voices as little people. But the truth is that Tony and Dalai are BOTH very much a part of us. The devilishly rude and obnoxiously undermining demon is made up of all of our self-doubt and insecurities about our validity in work, relationships, parenthood, you name it. And the voice of the angel is the voice of our intuition--the hard-to-accept, painfully obvious, rather-not-do-it TRUTH. When we deny this truth, we do ourselves a disservice. We try to stuff the jack back in the box so that we don't have to accept what is really there. 

This post is meant to be plea. Listen to your voices. Next time a decision comes up--big, small, significant or not--take a moment to listen to what your intuition is telling you. If you feel uncomfortable, unsure, taken aback, insignificant, like saying "hell no," then by all means, take some more time to think about your decision and why you would be saying yes when you know you should be saying no. There's no crime in responding, "I need to think about that. I need to check my calendar. I can't commit to that right now because I'm swamped with other projects. Maybe next time." Whatever. It's your life. Not theirs. And remember, above all else, that the choices matter. One question answered with a  "No" instead of a "Yes" and my life would be in an entirely different place right now. Regrets are a waste of time but it does give me pause to think about how important future decisions will be to my well being. You can bet on the fact that I've been trying to push Tony a little further out of my life and bring Dalai a little closer to the front of my brain. It's still a daily challenge. But when you're conscious of it, you can make decisions based on your truth rather than fear or the made up realities that we sometimes construct to hide from what's really there. 

Think about it. What are your voices telling you right now? How can you embrace your angels instead of your demons?