22. Friends

Photography by flickr artist

I'm about to leave on a weekend camping trip with three of my friends. They're the kind of friends you hang out with when you want to be doubled over in pain laughing hysterically or if you want to share something painful and have a good cry. They always guarantee a good time and I'm excited to spend this weekend with them in upstate New York. Friday's are usually dedicated to my favorite things. And so it's apropos that today begins my friends weekend because time with them is what makes me happy and what has sustained me through the last year.  

I will be back in a few days to tell you all about the good times. In the meantime, call someone who you value as a great friend and tell them how much they mean to you. It may sound corny but it's always nice to know how much you mean to someone you care about. Never take friends for granted. Call them, send them emails and notes and plan visits. This particular group of girls doesn't get together often but when we do, we make the most if it. Enjoy the weekend, preferably with some good friends.  

21. Not So Critical

Photography by nkimadams

Why are relationships so complicated? We've got friendships, intimate relationships, family and colleagues. And while each of these types of relationships brings us happiness, they can also cause us a lot of stress. I've been thinking a lot lately about why this is. What is it about some people that causes us frustration or disappointment or anger? Why can't we just let things go sometimes? I think the answer lies in our expectations.

I once had a friend and coworker who continuously let me down. We would make plans and she would cancel last minute or forget all-together. She would procrastinate doing things and then lie to cover her tracks. And in a few instances, during very significant times in my life, she just didn't show up. For many years, I put up with her behavior but, all the while, I was seething inside. Every disappointment led me to make further judgments about her and to create even bigger expectations in my head about what she should be doing. I began to only see her flaws.

It took me a long time to realize that she was never going to change. I could not change her because she had no desire to do so. I had no control over what she might do. Instead, I tried to look at the situation from a compassionate standpoint. Rather than asking myself how I could get this person to change, I began asking myself if I could relate to her on some other level. Could I remove my desire for her to be different and just engage with her on a human level--being compassionate, open, wise and humble? When we look at others with an open heart rather than with a critical eye, it changes everything. I found myself wanting to be more understanding rather than judgmental.

Sadly, that friendship didn't last. It wasn't because she wouldn't change. It was because once I was able to truly see her, without judgment or criticism, I was able to determine whether or not we were compatible as friends. When you accept someone for who they are, the answer is right in front of you. It's when you try to change someone that you become confused and unsure. Try not to be so critical. See people in their skin, for who they are. And then you will know.

20. Stop Watching Your Kettle

Photography by Anaya

I love the idea of just bumping into your destiny. We can't plan for that next opportunity, we can't forecast when we will bump into Mr. Right, and we don't know what is waiting around the corner. We can't plan for these things--they just happen. And it seems that if we obsess over exactly when and where and who...well, nothing much ever really does happen. It's like the watched kettle. It never boils. 

But did you ever notice that when you least expect it...when you're not paying attention...when you're just going about your business in your own way...BAM! There it is. You meet someone new. You get that job opportunity. Something exciting and fresh and unexpected comes your way. 

In the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun," Frances Mayes is a recently divorced woman who, by chance, ends up moving to Tuscany, a place she had never traveled to before. Frustrated and depressed by her husband's betrayal and her non-existent love life, she mopes around looking just as down as she feels. Her friends try to counsel her and I love their advice. Signor Martini tells her about the train tracks that were built high in the Alps between Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks before there actually was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built the tracks because they knew one day the train would come. Likewise, Frances' friend Catherine tells her that when she was a little girl she would spend all of her time looking for ladybugs. Finally, she would fall asleep in the grass. When she woke up, she was covered in them. 

What is the common theme here? Forget about the things you want so badly you can taste them. Forget about your depression concerning work or love or family. Forget about things or people who are wasting your time. Work on yourself. Build your foundation and what you are seeking will come to you. Stop watching your kettle. It will never boil. Ask yourself what still needs to be taken care of in your own life to make you feel good and to bring you back on track? Work on your house, your resume, your fitness, your novel. Remember yourself. And focus your life fully on taking care of you. Destiny has an interesting way of just dropping the pieces into place. Take a deep breath. Lie down in the grass. Close your eyes. When you wake up, the ladybugs will be crawling all over you.

19. Buy a Lottery Ticket

Photograph by elsief1

You know that feeling you get when you're driving and you suddenly realize that you have no idea how you got where you are? You know...like a mini-black out or something? It's as if a period of time in your life just disappeared. I think of this feeling whenever I notice my life getting out of control. With so many demands being put on us it's easy to wake up one day and say, "Wait a minute. How did I end up here? How did I let this happen? How could I not have noticed?"  

I was re-reading my copy of "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert the other day and I came across an amazing passage. Liz describes how life is full of so many things that we have absolutely no control over. These things can sometimes make us feel as though we don't have control over anything. But then she goes on to talk about the things that we do have some say in:

"There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life--whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts." 

I found that to be such a simple concept but deeply profound. When you feel as though everything around you is spinning out of control, take a deep breath and remember that there are so many things you can take charge of...so many things that you can do to make your life happier, more fulfilled, peaceful, and healthier. So the next time you're frustrated with someone's actions or words, something that went wrong at work, or a relationship problem, remember that you have a whole suitcase full of lottery tickets at your disposal. Cash one in and take back control of your day.

18. Leading Lady

I love the movie "The Holiday." Not because it's the best movie ever made or because it deserves an Oscar for best actor. I love it because of Kate Winslet's character, Iris. I could so relate to her and her struggle to take back her life. She's a good person who tends to act like a bit of a doormat at times. This clip is one of my favorite scenes from the film and regardless of whether or not you've seen it, I'm sure that you can relate to not quite feeling like the Leading Lady of your own life at one time or another.

That is so right! No one wants to be the "best friend." The one who gets taken advantage of. The one who sits at home pining after someone who doesn't love them back. The one who doesn't ask for what she wants. The one who repeatedly gets ignored or passed over because she's so meek and mild that no one notices her. So what does it mean to be the leading lady of your own life? I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And I've come up with a few parameters that I think fit the leading lady persona, or at least what I would like it to be.

1. Say what you mean. Often, the best friend type will simply skirt the issue or avoid the topic because it's uncomfortable or because we don't like conflict. Don't make waves and everyone will like you. Well, screw being liked. It's overrated. It's better to say what you mean, tell them what you want, ask for what you think you deserve and then be prepared to offer evidence as to why you're right. Even if you're challenged, stick to your convictions. 

2. Show confidence. This can be easier said than done. A lot of times, we walk into situations where we feel intimidated or nervous. But I like to advise people to "fake it until you make it." Just close your eyes and imagine that you are the most desirable, intelligent, capable and worthy woman. What does she look like? How does she act? What does she say? How does she sit? How does she walk? Head down, pouty face, wearing sneakers? Or head held high, smiling, glowing and looking polished? Mimic someone who you admire. Call on the spirit of Grace Kelly or Jackie O and fake it until you make it.

3. Don't settle. When we lack the confidence of a leading lady, we're apt to settle for less than we deserve. That means we might date a man who is an emotional nitwit and who can never give us what we want. It might mean that we settle for less of a raise than we earned at our job. Or maybe we allow a friend to continue to abuse us or take advantage by borrowing money and never repaying or saying rude things without question. It might mean we don't go for what we want out of fear. Don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire. 

4. Practice the art of self-indulgence. Women, in particular, have a very hard time with this one. But ponder it for a bit. Think of a woman who you admire--one who really knocks your socks off with her wit, and charm, her humor, her style, her body, her accomplishments. Then tell me--does she neglect herself? Probably not. All of the women that came to my mind seem to do a pretty good job of taking care of their minds, bodies and spirits. Only when you bring these things into balance and make yourself a priority can you be a leading lady. Take care of yourself and both you and others will notice a big difference. 

Grace Kelly

Think about the movie of your life. When the credits roll, who is leading the show? Is it you? Or your spouse? Your children? Your ex? Some other person who should simply be an extra? Shouldn't you be the leading lady of your own life? I mean, you only get one. Take advantage of it. Live it up. Enjoy life. And make yourself the priority.

17. Row Your Own Boat

Photograph by Craigyc

We're a busy society--we have family, friends, commuting, lots of work, bills, and stress. It's tiring just listing all of it. All of these things zap our energy and can leave us feeling totally spent. It's at times like this--when you're crawling to your bed at night and drooling on yourself as you doze off at work--when you think there's absolutely no extra time left in the day for you. I know myself. Generally it's been my pattern that when I'm stressed about something or overwhelmed with too many projects, my own self-care goes to the bottom of the to-do list. Pedicure? Nope. Bubble bath? Nah! Eat those three square meals and take a multi-vitamin? No time for that. All of the things that would normally make me feel good and energized and pretty go out the window. 

When I first separated from my ex, I spent a few weeks in what I will call an induced coma. I was definitely awake and I could hear you if you spoke to me but other than that I was probably in a fog. I was confused, disoriented, stressed, and sad. I didn't know what direction to turn or what to do first. So I did nothing. And then I kept doing nothing but the bare minimum of getting to work and getting home. That went on for a few more weeks. But then I had that light bulb moment--you know, the one where you ask yourself, " Self, are you a moron?" I realized that I was allowing the situation of my separation to take control of me. I was a little boat in a vast ocean with no oars being pushed and pulled violently in many directions. I needed to grab back my oars and start rowing, dammit.   

And row I did. I vowed that I would get up every morning without fail, shower, and get dressed into something that made me feel sexy (Thank God for the invention of the push-up bra). I remembered something Sarah Ban Breathnach said in her book, "Romancing the Ordinary," about the power of scent and I started spraying perfume, not only on my neck and wrists, but also behind my knees. Trust me. It makes you feel good. I experimented with makeup and got a new haircut. I started going to yoga classes and eating better. And I went out with friends every week to laugh or see a movie or have dinner. I started rowing my own boat.

I opened up my own bank account (Nope. Didn't have one. Gave it up when I got married). I started going out alone--to movies, to dinner, for walks. I wrote in a journal, went for long drives along the beach and listened to upbeat dance music. I joined a photography class. I was rowing. 

Time passed quickly and I feel stronger. I know that it's because I've been taking much better care of myself. I've been trying to focus on what I want as opposed to what someone else wants me to do or how they want me to be. I'm done with that. Rowing your own boat doesn't mean that you're alone. It just means that you can take care of yourself. And you know it. It means that you have the confidence to steer for yourself--to make the tough choices and the hard calls. It means not allowing others to influence you negatively. It means understanding that you have power. Take control of your oars. Steer your own course. Row your own boat.

16. Weekly Favorites

My weekly favorites are coming a bit late but that works out because this weekend was filled with a lot of revelations and that means new things to share. Hope you enjoy!

I LOVE Vosges chocolates. But I especially love these Caramel Marshmallows. Dark chocolate, homemade marshmallows with Madagascar bourbon vanilla beans, caramel toffee and grey sea salt. Delicious!!!

I always get into the shower in the morning feeling a little groggy, not quite like waking up just yet from my slumber. But as soon as I open this Pink Grapefruit Splash body wash, I feel a jolt of energy. It's citrusy and vibrant and filled with moisturizing beads. Stock up on a few bottles. You'll go through them like wild fire.

I love songs that make me want to dance, that leave me humming that tune and that make me happy, happy, happy. The E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) is the new album from The Black Eyes Peas and it does all of those things--whether it's "Boom Boom Pow" or "I Gotta Feeling," I've been singing from this album all summer. 

I assigned my writing class an essay entitled 'Wisdom" from the book "Infinite Life" by the Buddhist scholar, Robert Thurman. I was really inspired by Thurman's idea of selflessness. He disagrees with the Western idea that we need to know who we are and what we want to do when we grow up. "If you don't know exactly who you are all the time, you're not sick, you're actually in luck, because you're more realistic, more free, and more awake! You're being too intelligent to be stuck inside one frozen mask of personality! You've opened up your wisdom, and you've realized that 'knowing who you are' is the trap--an impossible self-objectification. None of us knows who we really are. Facing that and then becoming all that we can be--astonishing, surprising, amazing--always fresh and new, always free to be more, brave enough to become a work in progress, choosing happiness, open-mindedness, and love over certitude, rigidity, and fear--this is realizing selflessness."  

Photograph by alicemariedesign

This weekend was the New Jersey Festival of Ballooning. There's something about these beautifully colorful balloons and the idea of floating in a basket in the clouds that makes me swoon. Love it.

15. Do Nothing

Photograph by Emdot

I know a lot of people who think the idea of doing nothing is sacrilege. You need a to-do list, you need to check off items, you need productivity, you need stress. It's part of life. But I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to take a mini-vacation from our usual routine. Sunday always seem to be the best day for this kind of thing. When I think of Sundays, I see the New York Times and a cup of tea, staying in your p.j.'s until noon, making some yummy breakfast like pancakes or scrambled eggs and enjoying whatever the day brings. If that sounds like a crazy, out-there proposal, then you are one of the ones who truly needs it the most. I call it my Lazy Head Mazy day...just going with the flow, relaxing and doing what makes you feel good.

I'm a bit of a Maroon 5 fan and they have this song called Sunday Morning that just sums up that relaxed, laid-back, convertible-with-the-top-down feeling. Listen and get lazy.

"Sunday Morning"

14. Dream Space

This summer in New Jersey has generally been pretty wet and gloomy. I love the rain but too many days in a row of darkness and anyone could start to feel a bit down. Instead of dwelling on the murkiness of it all, I decided to start day dreaming about the home I know is going to be in my future very soon. It wasn't until after I moved out of the house I shared with my ex that I realized it didn't represent me at all. The furniture and the colors and the design--none of it was really who I think I am. Certainly not who I think I am now. And so I decided to create an illustrated book of my dream space. Something to look forward to and a place where I can work out what my own style actually is.

I love going through magazines and websites to find design inspiration and I usually clip and save pictures that make me feel happy. Over the course of the last few months, I've realized that my style is light and bright and white. I love comfy couches that you can sink into and fresh flowers.

 

I fell in love with the set design for the movie "Something's Gotta Give." Most of the action takes place at a Hampton's beach house decorated much like all of the photos in this post. Comfy, loungy, beachy but sophisticated. I realized that this is my style. But for years, I had been living in the exact opposite type of space. I love being surrounded by books--this image from SGG's set is the perfect corner nook for me. Two chairs, a good reading lamp, a table to put my tea on and shelves lined with books.

I love the idea of an all-white kitchen. It's so clean and fresh and bright. It makes me happy just looking at it. And those floors. Gorgeous.

My favorite color is blue--sea glass, hydrangeas, the sky, deep water, nautical stripes. And so I like the idea of a lot of white punctuated by blue accents like the pillows and flowers here. 

The nautical inspiration here is really nice and I love the woodwork on the foreground chair.

As a writer, I really appreciated the study space of Diane Keaton's character, Erica Barry. The windows look out on the ocean. A fresh breeze, french music playing, lots of light and very comfortable. A close-up view of her old, antique, wooden desk--piled with research papers and manuscripts, flowers and fun objects. And the view of the dune grass and the ocean beyond. The perfect work space. 

The beautiful light shining through the windows here is perfect. I also think artwork can make a room and this painting of a house on the shore is simple but powerful with its color palette. The painting below is also from the film "Something's Gotta Give." It's by an amazing artist names Kenton Nelson who paints with a very vintage feel.

So these are just a few of the many images that I've collected in my search for my own dream space style. I think it's coming together. But I'd like you to ask yourself if you're living in your dream space or just a space. If you think you've lost a sense of what your own style really is, start looking through magazines for inspiration and clip what looks good. Keep a file or glue the images into a blank book and see if any patterns start to emerge. 

Charlotte Perkins Gilman said, "The home is the centre and circumference, the start and the finish, of most of our lives." Remember that your home should embrace you when you come into it. It should make you feel warm and relaxed and inspired. But your house can't do it alone. You need to know yourself and the things that make you happy in order to incorporate them into your surroundings. Take some time to illustrate your space. 

13. Laugh!

Photograph by Pink Sherbet Photography

The people that know and love me get a glimpse of someone who is a total goof ball. I love to tell jokes and funny stories and laugh until I double over in pain. I like little laughs and big huge ones. I love laughing with friends while talking about old times or with my family about something hilarious that one of us does at the dinner table. I love laughing with strangers at the movies or with my students during class discussions.

I'd like to think that I laugh as often as I can. But life can sometimes drop a lot of speed bumps on our path and laughing might seem like the last thing you want to do. Voltaire said, "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." There are some situations that are simply not funny and don't warrant hysterical fits of giggles. But there are also times when things are serious and we should laugh. Laughter can be some powerful medicine. Letting go and allowing ourselves to just enjoy the moment and each other can be so freeing. Stop over-thinking, have a glass of wine and get silly. 

Laugh and when you're done, laugh some more. No one on their death bed ever said, "Gee, I wish I hadn't laughed so much. That was a bummer. Should have done some more work or something." I came across this wedding video online and thought that it summed up the idea of play, of fun and of just having a good time. This couple clearly understands that no situation is so serious that it can't include laughs. 

12. Perspiration

On Saturday, Helen took me to Philadelphia's Magic Gardens, which are not quite gardens at all but a building and adjacent yard covered in mosaic installations--walls, ceilings and floors. Isaiah Zagar has been creating art since 1959 when he was 19 years old. He has made it his mission to make the city of Philadelphia into "a labyrinthine mosaic museum." The Magic Gardens is an amazing thing to witness up close. Over the course of 14 years, Zagar worked on this multi-level maze of mosaic--bottles, mirrors, glass, bits of sculpture, fragments of found objects, painted tile work, toilets, wheels, cement, pottery. This was truly a labor of love. And at almost 70 years old, Zagar is still working, producing and teaching workshops. Helen and I are serious art lovers and we were so inspired by this place, this artist and his commitment to Philadelphia and to his craft.

Later, when we left the building and began walking down South Street, we noticed dozens of other local buildings on which Zagar has left his mosaic mark. Some of his works cover whole sides of buildings while others just a doorway or facade. This is clearly his passion. Thomas Edison said, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Zagar's work made me remember that this is very true. I often will say that I have writer's block or hear other writers or artists saying that they just don't have that creative spark today. But the truth is that sometimes we have to push past that and just get working. If the perspiration, or actual work, is 99% of the battle, then we really don't have the time or the luxury of saying that inspiration hasn't hit. Maybe we just have to work and the inspiration will come somewhere in the midst of it.

Here's the challenge. Is there a project or a piece of a project that you've been wanting to work on but haven't yet gotten that inspirational "spark" you were looking for? What if you were to simply say, "So what? I don't have the spark. Big woop? I'm doing it anyway!" Just begin it. Get your hands dirty. Start at the beginning. And just keep working for, say...an hour. Force yourself to write...or paint...or hammer...or film...or click...or sing. Then, when the hour is over, see how you feel. Not necessarily what you produced. But how you feel. Work off of that momentum. Don't wait for the spark. If you do, you're putting your creative life on hold for something that may never show up. The only thing you have control over is that you show up--ready and willing to work. 

A few more inspirational shots of the mosaic Magic Gardens. Literally every surface was covered. I found the staircases to be really beautiful...up or down any of them and you stepped onto another level or terrace filled with unique images and new nooks and crannies to explore.

Occasionally, you might find something really gorgeous and fully intact stuck into the mix, like this sleeping Buddha. There were also whole lamps, toilets, dolls, bicycle wheels, plates, action figures, and pottery brought back from Zagar's travels.

This bottle wall was really impressive. It was a gorgeous sunny day and the light was shining through all of the bottles and reflecting off the mirrored shards. It was a very bright space, both literally and figuratively.

It really felt like a Wonka Land of mosaic. Every surface was covered. It was actually a bit disorienting at times. At one point, inside one of the indoor rooms, I almost fell down the stairs because I didn't realize they were there. All the mosaics blended into each other making it hard to make out where one surface ended and another began.

I love this shot of Helen standing in the outdoor jungle of mosaic. I especially love the painted tile phrase that Zagar placed way up in the upper right hand corner of the photo. It says, "Isaiah keeps working." He does. And when the going gets tough and the inspiration fades, keep on working. No matter what. 

11. Things I Love

I came across a really great post today on Carla Kay White's website. It lists 101 things that she loves. Carla is the creative genius behind the iPhone app Gratitude Journal. She is also a fellow student in my Unravelling class. And so it was interesting to check out her list of favorites. For today, I thought I would create my own list of things I love. I hope it will inspire you to start one yourself. P.S.--Ignore how many of these items are food-related. I couldn't help myself. 

1. Heavy rain storms

2. Pizza with extra cheese

3. Beaches with powder white sand

4. Snuggling

5. The white washed houses on Santorini

6. Degas paintings

7. My brother's crazy sense of humor

8. Seeing my words in print

9. Learning something new

10. Unexpected rainbows

11. Traveling by car, train or plane

12. The Dalai Lama

13. The Sunday New York Times

14. Starbuck's caramel apple spice

15. Broadway shows

16. Penne with vodka sauce

17. Sunsets on the shore

18. Autumn

19. Blue glass

20. Afternoons spent in the bookstore

21. Interior design

22. Romantic comedies

23. A sunny day in a convertible

24. A good kisser

25. Strawberry shortcake

26. My dog Mo and her "smile"

27. My dad's mustache

28. The English Tudor house I grew up in

29. Long drives down the coast

30. Target shopping

31. Ginger Ale

32. Tiny babies

33. Political debates

34. Deep conversations until after midnight

35. Really good friends and a bottle of wine

36. Reading all night to finish a great book

37. A beach chair right where the water licks at your feet

38. Mysteries

39. Shellfish, preferably with butter

40. Double chocolate cherry cookies

41. Pushing the clocks back

42. Being Greek

43. The friendship I have with my mom

44. Boardwalk hotdogs with mustard and sauerkraut

45. Great mentors

46. Fireflies and starry nights

47. Georgia O'Keeffe

48. Masterpiece Theatre

49. Jane Austen's work but especially Persuasion, Sense & Sensibility, & Pride & Prejudice

50. Savannah, Georgia

51. Blank journals and sketchbooks

52. CNN's Anderson Cooper

53. Sailing on the Hudson River

54. Making dinner at home with someone special

55. Tickle fights

56. Old movies like Casablanca, Holiday Inn and An Affair to Remember

57. The Barefoot Contessa

58. Museums & 19th century European paintings

59. Rootbeer floats

60. Mount Olympus, Greece

61. Goats (I'm a Capricorn)

62. Beach houses

63. Wild Sweet Orange Tea in the morning

64. Long phone conversations with my BFF

65. A little black dress

66. My dad's Thanksgiving stuffing

67. My white MacBook

68. Fresh figs

69. Great-fitting tall jeans (I'm 5'11")

70. Italy

71. Trying new types of food

72. Tropical islands

73. A new set of colored pencils

74. A great haircut

75. Falling in love

76. Bubble baths

77. A good night's sleep

78. Meeting new and interesting people

79. An English accent

80. Beautiful underwear

81. Laughing until my stomach hurts

82. Making lists

83. Giving gifts

84. Halloween--costumes, cider, crunchy leaves, getting colder, candy, pumpkins

85. Lively class discussions

86. Hand-written notes

87. Fresh flowers, especially hydrangeas, gardenias, lilacs and purple roses 

88. Quiet time

89. Afternoon naps

90. Holiday shopping

91. Hosting a dinner party

92. Fondue

93. Freshly fallen snow

94. Wishes

95. Freshly folded laundry

96. Milk chocolate

97. Christmas morning

98. Floating on my back in the ocean

99. A big full moon

100. Gummi Bears

101. Not knowing what is around the corner

10. Hands

I spent yesterday afternoon with Helen at the Rodin Museum. One of the things that struck me about Rodin is the way he sculpted hands. Even though he used bronze and plaster and marble, he still managed to create life-like hands with veins and wrinkles. They are beautiful. His sculpted hands got me thinking about my own. What they look like, what they do, how important they are.

My hands are fairly smooth. They're just beginning to show some of that elephant wrinkling at the knuckles but, otherwise, they still look young. I have long fingers--the kind that would be great for playing the piano, except that I never learned how. I've been a serious nail-biter my whole life--at this point, a combination of nerves and habit. Recently, I've been trying to kick that little obsession. I bought this yucky tasting polish that supposedly helps nails grow and keeps you from biting. We'll see. The skin on my hands is fairly pale and so you can see the thin blue rivulets of veins trailing over the tops and on the palms. On my right palm, near the bottom is a lone freckle. Life lines run from side-to-side, from corner to corner, up and down, intersecting and colliding. My fingerprints are each unique labyrinthine swirls. 

Over the years, my hands have helped to push me to a crawl and then into an upright stance. My hand held the pencil for my first scribbled alphabet. My hands held onto the handlebars and didn't let go. They worked on my first art project and have never stopped creating. My hand waved goodbye as my parents drove away after dropping me at college. My hands helped to hug away my friends' hurt after break-ups and family tragedies. They typed my first resume and reached out to take my diploma. My hand made the sign of the cross as I got married. It also covered the sounds of my sobs as I walked away from my husband. And these days, my hands have been doing a lot of typing, a lot of writing, a lot of holding the camera. A lot of work. 

What do your hands look like? Are they smooth and pale like porcelain? Or are they rough and full of character? Remember that your hands do a lot for you in a day, a month, a year, a life. Try to trace your history through what your hands have done. It's amazing to see it on paper. Be kind to them--lotion, sunblock, massages, manicures. Because, in a way, you really do hold your history in the palm of your hand. 

9. Going It Alone

Photograph by skrockodile

When I drive into Philadelphia to visit Helen for the weekend, I try to get in early before rush hour begins on Friday afternoon. But that means that she isn't home from work yet. So I usually park my car and walk to the art museum and spend a few hours there. Or I'll hit a coffee shop in the area, buy myself a chai and wander. 

I arrived here in Phili. yesterday afternoon and, instead of my usual spots, I stopped into this great restaurant called Figs. It serves Moroccan inspired food and has a very relaxed BYOB atmosphere. I decided to order a pot of their amazing mint tea. They serve it in beautifully small and delicate glasses. And it smells divine--fresh crushed mint leaves sit at the bottom of your cup and you get an aromatherapy treatment each time you take a sip. I sat at the window looking out at the street and read a book until I got the call from Helen that she was home. It was the perfect "on my own" outing. Once upon a time, I had a huge issue with going anywhere by myself. What will people think if I go to a movie alone? That I don't have any friends who would want to go with me? That I'm a crazy loner? What kind of weirdo goes to a restaurant and has a meal alone? Why not eat my frozen pizza at home without the glares and stares of people who are coupling? 

The poet, Edwin Robinson, once said, "For when a woman is left too much alone, sooner or later she begins to think. And no man knows what then she may discover." I've found that my recent solo excursions have given me that time to think--time that has allowed me to ponder so many different things like future goals, creative projects, how I spend my weeks, how I want to nourish my body, how I got here, who I want to spend my time with, the mark I want to leave on this world, etc. Some simple, day-to-day concerns and some big, existential thoughts. But none of this thinking would be possible without alone time. Me time. One of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone. I get to pick the movie I want to see (which most of the time is some artsy fartsy thing that no one else would care to pay money for) and I get to really enjoy the experience in my own way. That's not to say it isn't enjoyable with others but it's just different. Same goes for eating alone or taking a walk alone or spending the afternoon roaming the bookshop alone or traveling alone. 

Julia Cameron, in her book, "The Artist's Way," talks about the importance of filling up the well. She specifically talks about artists and the necessity of taking time alone to recharge those creative juices. This can only come from solitude, reflection and creating an environment in which you will be able to notice the beauty around you. The same, I think, can be said for life in general. If we don't set aside sacred time to think about our own desires, ideas, and feelings, these things lie under the surface without a proper outlet. And if we don't fill our well--with new places, people, sights, sounds and tastes--it goes dry. Take some time this week to go on a solo excursion. As time goes on and you begin to feel more comfortable with the concept, I promise you that you will look forward to this special time alone, by yourself and only for yourself.

8. Friday Favorites

So I've decided to finish off each week with a list of my favorite things--books, products, music, exhibits, etc. that have inspired me. Hope it makes you want to explore a bit also. This afternoon, I'm heading to Philadelphia to visit my oldest and dearest friend, Helen. We have a great weekend planned with lounging, food and artsy stuff to fill up the well. Will let you know all about it when I return. In the meantime, TGIF, friends! Enjoy!


Love this Cordoba tote from Banana Republic. Something about the slouchy curves that makes me feel laid-back.




These Henri Bendel candles are so delicious that you want to lick them! They come in scents like Lemon Verbena, Apricot, Pomegranate, and Peony. My favorite is the Gardenia. A tad bit pricey at $30 but they last forever and make you feel so good. Try them. You'll be hooked.



This rooftop exhibit at the Met is on my must-see list. Roxy Paine has created a wonderland inspired by the human body, trees and industry. Plus an amazing view of Central Park.



I've been watching some of the confirmation hearings this week for the new Supreme Court justice and I've been so impressed with Sonia Sotomayor. She is eloquent, strong and very well-qualified. I was proud of her as she fielded questions from Democrats & Republicans alike. She hasn't faltered. Nice!


I've been reading a biography of the artist, Georgia O'Keeffe, after seeing some of her work at the National Gallery. She was an amazing woman. I especially fell in love with the idea of going to New Mexico because of the inspiration she found in the rock formations, bone remnants and badlands there.

7. Sweet Dreams

Last week I really stretched myself thin--between teaching, grading papers, working on developing my late summer and fall courses, and trying to make time for my own writing and photography, friends and family, I was worn out by the weekend. I was sluggish and seriously dragging. I felt a summer cold coming on. You know the kind--itchy throat, aching joints and fatigue that makes you want to pull the covers over your head and forget your schedule. But instead of taking a time-out, I fought it off for the weekend and kept going. I totally ignored what my body was screaming--"Hey, lady! Get a clue! I'm tired and need a rest. Give me a break. I work hard for you. Have some sympathy!"

By Monday afternoon I knew the gig was up. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. And so I did something very uncharacteristic--I took a nap. Yep. I cozied up on the couch with my dog, Mo, and fell into a deep slumber. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not a nap person. I always thought naps took valuable time from the to-do list that needed to get done and made you even sleepier for the rest of the day. And so I always resisted nap time. But I'm starting to understand why the afternoon siesta is one of the most revered traditions in many countries. A nap can leave you feeling refreshed and can give your body the rest it so desperately needs. This whole week, in fact, has been a sleep fest. I've taken a cue from Mo, who is a great role model for sweet dreams. She plays when she wants to play, drinks when she's thirsty and will lay down upside down like a human whenever she wants to catch some Z's. I love when her droopy eyes close and she quietly begins to snore. She certainly takes care of her needs. Mind you, she doesn't have quite the same bills and responsibilities that we all do but I think we could learn something from her.

Martha Graham once said, "The body never lies." With all of the hustle and bustle we go through in a week, it can be hard to hear the quiet voice of desperation that might be coming from your own body. But if you find yourself feeling tired, worn out or mentally drained, listen to the voice that is pleading with you to take a rest. Curl up in your bed, even if it's for a short time, and reenergize. What I realized is that all of those to-do list items--my class plans, my writing, spending time with people I love--won't ever get done if I get sick or neglect my health. Better to institute some preventative care, buy yourself some "health insurance" and start napping. Don't thank me. Thank Mo.    

6. Journaling

Photograph by Trumpetvine

I'm inspired by all of the great journal writers I've discovered online in the last few months and so I decided to buy a new journal today. I'm hoping that soon it will be filled with great stories, pictures, bits of paper and lots of color. You may think of journaling as this difficult or depressing practice or maybe you've tried to journal but just couldn't stick with it. I think journaling can be a lot more fun if we just let go of the "rules." Who cares if you journal every day? What if you just filled up your journal with things that made you happy today? Or maybe your journal could be the place where you work out a plan for how you'll start that new business or a place to keep notes about the books you read. Journals can be great "dumping grounds" for all of our grievances but they can also be sacred spaces for our dreams, plans and goals. In the past, I've kept journals about cooking (recipes, cooking classes, & successes/disasters in the kitchen), travel (dream destinations, road trip ideas, beautiful photographs), and art (information about museum trips, exhibits, artists, and new books). Journals can be illustrated, made up of torn paper and magazine clippings, pen & ink drawings, rubber stamping, paint and glue. Or they can be traditional, with page after glorious page of gorgeous handwriting.

Take a run to the bookstore and browse the journals. Which one jumps out at you with its cover design? Is it serious embossed leather? Does it have cartoon characters on it? Maybe it's all about serenity with flowers or waterfalls or Buddha? Is it tiny so that it fits in your purse or pocket? Or perhaps you think the bigger the better for your thoughts and artwork. Whatever it is, choose the one that best fits how you feel right now, the one that brings a smile to your face. Buy it. And then write your first entry immediately, maybe right there in the store or in your car. Make a promise to yourself to not follow rules and to not pay attention to the "right way" of journaling. Instead, doodle, have fun, write what you feel and paste whatever you like into the book. Have fun with it and create your own sacred space for all of those amazing thoughts and inspirations. Here are some of my favorite journals, sketchbooks and writing ideas. Maybe they will inspire you to take your new journal to the next level:

52Q

Besottment

Joyce Carol Oates

Adebanji Alade

Susannah Conway

Wreck This Journal

Trumpetvine

5. Forget Regret

Photography by v1nz

I've spent a good amount of time over the last year thinking about regrets. What if I had only done what my heart had told me to do? What if I had said no? What if I had stopped myself from saying hurtful things? What if I had actually asked myself what I wanted? What if I had just told everyone to kiss my butt? What if? What if? What if? I eventually felt as if my regrets were giant shackles literally weighing me down. But I've recently been trying to unlock those shackles and rid myself of such a heavy burden. 

The writer, Katherine Mansfield once said "Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it is only good for wallowing in." That image seems so appropriate. Wallowing is exactly right. To regret simply means that we stay fixated in one place feeling sorry for something we can never change. There's nothing to build on. But if we look on past experiences as just that--experience--we can use what we've learned to make smarter choices in the future. And so, I ask you, is there something you've done or said in the past that you've been holding onto with a vice-like grip? Something that, if it were to grow wings and take flight, would leave you feeling lighter and more at peace? If you answer in the affirmative, then here's the exercise: Take that little piece of regret that has been itching you like sand in your bikini bottom and turn it around. How can this "what if" be turned into a lesson for the future? What have you learned from going through this experience that is an asset to you today? Remember, with regret there's nothing to build on. But if you listen to the lessons of your experiences, you create a foundation that nothing can shake.

4. Jersey Girl

Over the years, I've heard all kinds of jokes and insults about New Jersey--that it's the "armpit" of America, it smells like a garbage dump, has excessive traffic, and its residents are just like the Sopranos. While I agree with the traffic comment, there are a lot of misconceptions about New Jersey. I find that most people who look down on Jersey are the same ones who have only passed through on their way to New York or who have spent a long layover in Newark Airport. If my only exposure to this state was the Garden State Parkway or the NJ  Turnpike, I would think this place was a hell-hole too.

But I've always loved the Garden State for its diversity--lots of different people and a variety of things to do. Those of you who have never been here probably don't know much more than the fact that we're next door to Manhattan. But we are also known for our beautiful beaches, colorful gardens, horse farms and protected wetlands. New Jersey's northern mountains often surprise people who don't expect to see sharp rock cliffs and gorgeous green valleys. We also have Atlantic City--the casino town that gave its street names to the popular Monopoly board game. We have salt water taffy, boardwalks and the most diners in the country. Our state fruit is the blueberry and our vegetable is the tomato. And rightly so, as we have amazing Jersey tomatoes in the late summer. We are home to the mythical Jersey Devil and we have a rich history as one of the original thirteen colonies. George Washington made his famous Delaware River crossing here during the Revolutionary War in 1776. 

There are always things to criticize if you want to but I've been spending a lot more time lately thinking about what I love about where I live. I try to notice the green everywhere as I'm driving to and from work. I take extra time to head to the beach to watch the waves. And I've been delving into a bit more American and New Jersey history to learn the things I either missed or wasn't paying attention to in grade school. 

What are the things you love about where you live? If you were to "stop and smell the roses," what would you notice about your surroundings that, perhaps, you ordinarily ignore? What are your favorite sights, smells and sounds from your neighborhood? Who do you enjoy seeing? It's worth taking some time to appreciate the place where you spend so much of your daily life. Take some time today to notice the beauty in your everyday surroundings. 

3. Try Something New

I often say that I plan on being a lifetime student. I have a B.A. and an M.A. in English Literature and, at the moment, I don't plan on working on any other degrees. But that won't stop me from taking a course here and there in subjects that interest me. And that's why I'm so excited! A few weeks back, I registered for a self-discovery e-course led by a beautiful British writer and photographer named Susannah Conway. After days of anticipation, I received a "Welcome" email today and the class officially begins tomorrow. I've been a fan of Susannah's blog Ink on My Fingers for months and was intrigued by the description of her e-course called Unravelling. I eagerly awaited the next sign-up date and, luckily, was able to grab a spot. The course combines photography and writing assignments with videos from Susannah and lots of opportunities to chat with other participants from more than 20 countries. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow to get the first assignment and to explore a little more of myself through this course.

Which leads me to ask you--is there a class you've been wanting to take but you just haven't gotten the get-up-and-go to sign up? A cooking class? An Italian language course? Maybe painting, business, writing, interior design? Whatever it is, do a bit of research and register for one this week. Or add your name to the mailing list and be the first one to sign up when registration begins. Don't allow fear to get in the way. Even if you haven't set foot in a classroom in decades, don't know the first thing about Mandarin Chinese, or you're afraid of people, don't wait another day to follow a little dream. Do it now. Do it today. Here are a few of my fantasy classes for inspiration:

Patricia Wells-Cooking in Paris & Provence

The Craft of Food Writing at the French Culinary Institute, NYC

Light & Shadow @ Be Present Retreats

National Geographic Photography Expeditions

Cooking Classes in Italy

2. Signature Style

Photos by Mark Abrahams for InStyle

Every now and again, I question my sense of style. I mean, I think I tend to look put together for the most part. But I gravitate towards the same kinds of things over and over again. I have more black clothes than I know what to do with--shirts, dresses, turtlenecks, shoes, handbags. I wear tailored pants and simple sweaters, fitted jeans with a white t-shirt, a tank watch and diamond studs, but very few additional accessories. And sometimes, when I see a stylish woman wearing a trendy or daring outfit, I wonder why I hadn't thought of that. My style has been called "safe," "cute," and the dreaded, "simple." And for the longest time, I thought those comments were insults. "Simple" does not equate to sexy, stunning or Angelina Jolie. And sometimes you just want to feel like Laura Croft.

But the other day, I picked up the July issue of InStyle with Michelle Pfeiffer on the cover. I don't know about you, but I think she is so beautiful, not just for being 51 but for any age. What struck me about her interview was how honest she was about what she is and is not comfortable with, both in terms of fashion and life. She believes that the worst thing you can do is try to be someone you're not. And I totally agree. The photos of her in a classic black dress, a jumpsuit and jeans and t-shirt reaffirmed for me that my style is, in fact, a style. Pfeiffer says, "Simple is always best. Some of my favorite items are those that may not look like much on the hanger, then you try them on and they take on a whole new life." I have always been impressed with her classic elegance and her lack of pretension, so I think I'll just take her word for it.

But all this got me thinking about signature style. Do you have one? If I asked you what it is, what would you say? Trendy and on top of what's hot? Preppy? Beachy? All-American? Bohemian? Punk? Artsy? Maybe you didn't even realize that you don't have a style? Take a little bit of time today to inventory your wardrobe. Just glance around. Anything that you're holding onto because you hope it will fit next year? Or because the 70's have to come back in fashion again? Maybe there are a few pieces that you really like but they make you so uncomfortable when you wear them (too-low jeans, the skirt that rides up when you walk, or the shoes that fall off when you take 3 steps)? Clean house and make sure that everything you've got, whether it's jeans and a t-shirt or a ball gown, makes you feel amazing. Your style should convey something about who you are. If that's the case, what are you putting out there every day?