21. Not So Critical

Photography by nkimadams

Why are relationships so complicated? We've got friendships, intimate relationships, family and colleagues. And while each of these types of relationships brings us happiness, they can also cause us a lot of stress. I've been thinking a lot lately about why this is. What is it about some people that causes us frustration or disappointment or anger? Why can't we just let things go sometimes? I think the answer lies in our expectations.

I once had a friend and coworker who continuously let me down. We would make plans and she would cancel last minute or forget all-together. She would procrastinate doing things and then lie to cover her tracks. And in a few instances, during very significant times in my life, she just didn't show up. For many years, I put up with her behavior but, all the while, I was seething inside. Every disappointment led me to make further judgments about her and to create even bigger expectations in my head about what she should be doing. I began to only see her flaws.

It took me a long time to realize that she was never going to change. I could not change her because she had no desire to do so. I had no control over what she might do. Instead, I tried to look at the situation from a compassionate standpoint. Rather than asking myself how I could get this person to change, I began asking myself if I could relate to her on some other level. Could I remove my desire for her to be different and just engage with her on a human level--being compassionate, open, wise and humble? When we look at others with an open heart rather than with a critical eye, it changes everything. I found myself wanting to be more understanding rather than judgmental.

Sadly, that friendship didn't last. It wasn't because she wouldn't change. It was because once I was able to truly see her, without judgment or criticism, I was able to determine whether or not we were compatible as friends. When you accept someone for who they are, the answer is right in front of you. It's when you try to change someone that you become confused and unsure. Try not to be so critical. See people in their skin, for who they are. And then you will know.